Please Add Me, The Dark Lord Satan, On LinkedIn

InMail ∙ Satan, Ruler of Demons, has sent you a message:

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Photo by Максим Власенко on Unsplash

Hello, pathetic mortal! Congrats on your new role. We have a number of mutual connections, so I thought it would be appropriate to connect professionally.

I’m impressed with your profile and think we would work well together. I am currently serving as the Winged God of Torture, but I’m now looking to take the next step in my career journey.

Let’s collaborate!

I am a team player who very rarely revolts against God and His only son, and I am passionate about ideating bold new strategies re: the temptation and fall of mankind. I’m a proven manager with centuries of experience leading a team of fallen angels as well as several generations of condemned summer interns.

To get a sense of my previous work, check out some of my viral LinkedIn posts: “10 Life Hacks Guaranteed to Send Your Wretched Soul to Hell,” “Effective Habits of Winged Deathmongers,” and “Sin — Is It Actually Good?”

I have over thirty billion endorsements across a wide range of skills that you might find relevant to your business, such as “Power of Fire,” “Propagation of Misery,” and “Ceaseless Howling.” And I saw that we have one skill in common: “Social Media Management.” Very cool!

If you are interested in partnering with a self-starter who has 5+ years of experience trying desperately to rise up from the bowels of Hell to regain His rightful kingdom, then look no further. I bring a fresh start-up mentality to each new assignment, and strive to personify malignancy and torment at every turn. I’m obsessed with disrupting industries. I am also obsessed with disrupting humanity’s salvation.

I speak Latin!

If you’re available, I’d love to grab a few eons of your time to pick your brain — literally. Are you free later this week? I’d be happy to meet in a cafe near your office, or in a fiery realm forged from the chaos of agony. Let me know what works best for you and I’ll coordinate.

I look forward to hearing your screams.

Kind regards,
Satan, Prince of Wickedness, CFP

Senior Editor for Marker, a new Medium publication about business. Formerly: Quartz, Business Insider, BuzzFeed. Bylines in Vox, VICE, The Paris Review.

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